


A Bad Joke

by smokybaltic



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Age Difference, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Hermione's Haven Roll-A-Drabble, Mild Sexual Content, Sirius Black Lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-24
Updated: 2021-01-24
Packaged: 2021-03-16 02:14:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28948758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smokybaltic/pseuds/smokybaltic
Summary: The long-running joke of Sirius and Hermione's torrid love affair gets progressively less funny to Harry, and perhaps to them as well.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Hermione Granger
Comments: 20
Kudos: 187
Collections: Hermione's Haven Roll-A-Drabble





	A Bad Joke

**Author's Note:**

> The three parts of a joke are framing, telling, and the punchline- the set up, the execution, and the payoff, if you will. This story is structured around that premise.
> 
> This was written for Hermione's Haven January 2021 Roll-a-Drabble, and my roll was Sirius Black/Fake Dating.

**Framing**

“Come on ‘Mione, we  _ need _ to go _ out _ ,” Harry hectored.

“No-  _ you _ need to go out.  _ I _ have a hot date,” Hermione stuck her tongue out at him from across the sofa.

“Bollocks.”

“No, it’s true,” she insisted, “I have longstanding plans with this sexy little bottle of Shiraz and Sir David Attenborough this evening.”

“And me, of course,” Sirius said, catching the tail end of the conversation as he sauntered into the Grimmauld living room. He swung a long leg over the back of the sofa and dropped into the seat between his godson and Hermione.

“And Sirius, of course,” Hermione threw her arm dramatically across his chest, batting her eyes up at him, “Can’t you see how blissfully happy we are here, Harry?”

“Fuck my life,” Harry gagged, “Fine, stay single forever.”

“Not single,” Sirius pulled Hermione half into his lap, smiling wolfishly, “Angelface and I are hot and heavy.”

“ _ Blech.  _ Well, I’m going to the pub. You two enjoy moldering at home together,” Harry threw a pillow petulantly.

At that moment the floo glowed green and Ron stepped into the room, “You lot ready to go?”

“Just me, mate. Hermione and Sirius are being boring sods again.”

“Boring?” Sirius lifted an eyebrow, “You just best not come home too early or you’ll learn what adventurous looks like.”

“What?” Ron asked, bewildered.

“Don’t ask,” Harry urged.

“Get going already,” Hermione shooed them out, “It’s gone eight and we’ve a schedule to keep- the kitchen table won’t desecrate itself.”

Harry closed his eyes, “I hate this so much.”

“Joke’s worn thin, you tossers,” Ron grimaced, before retreating back into the floo with Harry.

**Telling**

“Is she going for it? Ooh, she’s hesitating, working up her nerve-” Hermione narrated to Harry as they watched Rita Skeeter discreetly primping across the ballroom.

“Poor bastard doesn’t even know what’s coming,” Harry was downright gleeful as the bottle-blonde made her way to where Sirius stood unsuspecting by the bar, looking dashing with his hair pulled back and beard neatly trimmed. 

“Straight in for the arm touch and the giggling,” Hermione whistled, “Girl came to  _ play _ .”

“Oh, it’s so sad.  _ Merlin _ , that’s- there, he’s trying to make his escape… nope, nope, that’s not going to cut it old man,” Harry winced, “He’s losing his touch.”

They watched another few minutes of profoundly awkward predator-prey dynamics unfold.

“This is brutal,” Hermione cringed, finally taking pity, “I’m going to go bail him out.”

She crossed the room, surprising Sirius when she slid her arm around his waist.

“Hey there, arm candy,” she winked at him, “Sorry I got held up.”

“Angelface,” Sirius sagged with relief, draping an arm around her shoulders, “Every moment apart was agony.”

Hermione rolled her eyes and smiled at Rita, looking fondly exasperated, “He’s such a sweet talker. Incorrigible, really.”

“If you’ll excuse us,” Sirius looked down at Hermione with conspicuous ardor, “I owe my lovely little witch a dance.”

He kept an arm around her as he loosened his tie on the way to the dance floor, “Think that’ll make the papers?”

“With my most unflattering photo yet,” Hermione confirmed, “By next week I’ll be up the duff.”

“Well that’s what happens when you date such an obviously virile man,” he smirked, sweeping her into his arms, “You’ve only yourself to blame.”

“Your gratitude is overwhelming, truly. The sympathy as well.”

“You’re mispronouncing ‘charm’ again.”

“Don’t think so. It’s  _ bloody ingrate _ with a long A, isn’t it?” she ribbed.

Sirius threw his head back to laugh, his gray eyes twinkling, “You really upped the ante on this joke, you know. You’re after this old Marauder's heart, you are.”

“Is that all it takes?” 

“Well, that, and this lovely red frock. Hardly a scrap really,” he pointedly ran a hand up and down her exposed spine, then dipped her low.

“Putting on a show, are we?” she arched an eyebrow.

“In for a knut, in for a galleon,” his eyes scanned down her face before he ducked in and laid a surprisingly tender kiss on her lips.

Hermione was stunned silent for a moment before she cocked her head to the side, “I think I just heard Skeeter’s black, shrivelled little heart break in two.”

“ _ Ahem- _ ” Harry cleared his throat, sidling up, “Can I cut in? Y’know, before The Prophet runs a story about me becoming uncle to my own god-brother, or godfather to my father’s-- you know--  _ whatever _ this unholiness would lead to.”

“Just giving the people what they want. But, by all means, you jump in here. We’ll fuel some truly sordid rumours about what all goes on at Grimmauld these days,” Sirius flashed a roguish grin as he relinquished Hermione’s hand to Harry, “You kids have fun now.” 

He strode off looking inordinately pleased.

Harry groaned as he pulled Hermione in, “This joke is getting out of hand, you know.”

“Just a bit of fun,” Hermione rolled her eyes.

**Punchline**

Harry blearily scrubbed a hand over his face, clearing away the fog of sleep before putting his glasses on. He stepped from his bedroom into the hall where the grandfather clock showed it was half two in the morning.

There it was again: an odd sort of thumping noise coming from below. 

It was probably Crookshanks or Kreacher, but his Auror training kicked in and he drew his wand before slinking down the stairs. 

He cleared the kitchen and loo before moving toward the living room, the only access point by floo. He crept to the door and peeked around the corner. 

He immediately caught sight of Hermione over the back of the sofa, apparently bouncing on her knees.

“Oh  _ fuck _ , yes! Yes!” she moaned.

“Hermione?!” Harry yelped.

Her eyes snapped up to meet his.

“H-harry… what’re you doing up?” she choked out.

Then, like some hellish nightmare, Harry watched as Sirius’ head rose shark-like beneath hers then turned to face him. 

He surveyed Harry for a moment, “Joke wasn’t that funny after all.”

Harry’s head dropped in defeat, “GODAMMIT.”

**Author's Note:**

> Brevity is challenging! This was my first time writing a drabble (I know it's not a *true* drabble, but 1000 words is tricky enough, guys). I hope you enjoyed this bit of fun.  
> Feedback is always appreciated :)


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